Dealing with family break-up

When parents decide to split up it can be a really tough time for all family members, no matter how old you are. If your parents split, you are likely to feel confused about the reasons for the break-up occurring and also confused about your own feelings. Family break-ups often evoke feelings of sadness, grief, guilt, anger and possibly relief. These feelings can be difficult to deal with and learning to adjust to the new situation can be tricky but there are some positive things you can do to help you through. There are also some behaviours to avoid!

Firstly, let's take a look at the feelings often experienced:

1. Sadness - Most people feel sad when their parents break-up. This is a completely normal emotion to be feeling when your parents just can't get along. The break-up generally occurs after long periods of unhappiness.
2. Grief - It's normal to feel grief or a sense of loss. Even though nobody has died, things will never be the same and family life as you know it has changed. It is important to recognise these feelings and identify the things you think you will miss. Discuss your concerns with your parents and try to continue regular activities in your life such as sports, clubs, hobbies, etc. Remember YOU still have both parents; they just won't be living in the same house. Maintain your relationship with each…You don't have to choose!
3. Guilt - Often a sense of guilt can emerge, particularly if you have heard arguments revolving around your behaviour, performance, progress, etc. The truth is that parents don't break-up because of their kids. In fact, mostly they stay together for as long as they can because they are worried about their kids. You can be sure that there are other serious problems in their relationship! Tell your parents about what you are feeling and let them explain to you why they broke-up.
4. Anger - It is easy to feel anger toward the person who made the decision to break-up. Rather than letting anger build up inside, talk to your parents and ask about their reasons for making the decision as they probably made it after a lot of thought and consideration.
5. Relief - Following long periods of fighting, arguments and unhappiness, sometimes the break-up can provide relief for the entire family.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP WITH THE ADJUSTMENT

1. Remember you still have two parents. Your parent's breaking-up will not change the way they feel about you and you should make every effort to maintain your relationship with each of them.
2. Keep a journal of your feelings and use this to reflect. Write down all the things you are concerned about the things you are finding difficult.
3. Talk to your parents about how you are feeling.
4. Get support and talk to someone neutral: a trusted friend or a counsellor.
5. Keep your life as normal as possible, doing all your regular activities if you can.

Things to AVOID

1. Don't spend your time developing elaborate plans trying to get your parents back together. They have made their decision for a reason.
2. Don't engage in MISBEHAVIOUR so that your parents will have reason to get together to talk. This strategy never works!
3. Avoid the need to "blame" one person.
4. Don't get caught as the "messenger" between your parents. If one is asking too many questions about the other and you feel uncomfortable about being the "go-between", tell your parents you would rather not play that role.

In summary, family break-ups are difficult to deal with, for ALL family members. It is important to work through your feelings and do your best to adjust to your new situation. Keep in mind that you still have your Mum and Dad. Ensure you have supportive people around you and TALK to someone about the situation and how it is affecting you. Concentrate on maintaining your relationships with both parents, and keep other aspects of your life as normal as possible.